Moving with Children

Moving has become a common feature of the Australian way of life. Statistics indicate that every year one out of four families move house. Many of these families are "old hands" at relocating but others will be moving this year for the first and perhaps only time.

Whether a family is a veteran or a rookie in the moving process, one aspect of moving that is frequently overlooked, or left to chance, is the effect relocation will have on children.

Many factors have an influence on how our children react to a move. Here is a brief look into some of them and what we can do to make it easier.

Are you moving internationally? You may find the Chess Care and Moving with Children sections of our site to be of interest.

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Reasons why we move

If you as parents view the change as the fulfilment of some hope or ambition, the feeling you will transmit to those around you will be a happy one. You will meet the inconvenience of relocating with an optimistic outlook.

On the other hand, if the move is associated with disappointment or grief, you and your children will be troubled, and the children may be unintentionally left to fend for themselves in a situation they probably do not understand.

Regardless of the motivation for your move, attention to children's feelings is very important.

Discuss your move with your kids

Talking with our children about the move is a matter of top priority. Explain to children at their own level of understanding why you are moving, what the new home will be like, and how they can contribute to the success of the family's relocation.

Encourage them to express whatever feelings they have on the subject.

Accept their attitudes, even if they are negative, and discuss with them your own feelings. Remember that you probably have some misgivings about leaving too, no matter how nice your new situation promises to be.

Above all, be honest. Truth will go a lot further than pretence or made-up stories in preparing children for the move. Remember that the strength of the family as a unit will contribute immeasurably to the readiness and confidence with which the children adapt to their new surroundings.

How did your last move go?

If children have moved before, the current move will probably recall memories of feelings they experienced during previous moves. If the feelings were not pleasant, they may exhibit signs of depression, withdrawn behaviour, or tantrums as the pending moving day nears. Watch for these signs, and when dealing with them remember that they may not fully understand the reasons for their behaviour.

For children who have not moved before, this experience may be their first with giving up the known for the unknown. While they may seem to accept the move well, understand that their need for reassurance and security is high.

Kids of different ages need a different kind of moving day

Each child, because of differences in age and life-experience, will view the move differently. Infants, of course, will be least affected. As long as they are comfortable and their normal routine isn't disrupted too much, they won't be concerned.

Pre-school children can pose a real problem. Their sense of identity relies on the parents, the family routine, and several objects that are special to them.

When they see their favourite toys being packed and put away, their cot being dismantled, and their mother rushing about with apparently little time to spend with them, they begin to worry. One of their greatest fears is that they will be left behind.

The temptation may be great to send your pre-schoolers to a baby-sitter during the move, but children will feel a lot better if you let them stay with you.

Let them pack and carry along some of their special possessions.

Primary school-age children have a more highly developed sense of self since their world extends beyond the family circle. Their developing sense of discovery may make their idea of moving exciting to them. While they will be leaving friends, they will not be the deep, vital friendships of older children.

The expressed concerns of a primary schooler usually deals with how well they will fit into where they are going.

The teenager, of course, usually has enough problems even in a stable environment. Social activities and friends have by this time overshadowed the family as sources of identity. Frank discussion with your teenager may provide clues on how you can help them without seeming too "pushy". Help them track down organisations and groups in the new area that are involved in activities that interest them. Encourage them to bring new friends to your home even if the house isn't yet as presentable as you might like.

When are we going to move?

One of the unfortunate myths about relocation says that school age children should not be moved until school holidays. Many families have undergone considerable inconvenience just to avoid a school-year move but a school holiday move may cause more problems than it solves since school provides a major orientation for children.

As school is a primary source for making friends, a school holiday move will place your children in unfamiliar surroundings at a time when their chances of making friends are at a minimum. When school opens in the new term, they enter the first day chaos as a stranger. The teacher, meanwhile facing a new class, may not be able to identify their discomfort and need for special attention.

A move during the school year, on the other hand, allows your children to go directly from one social setting into another. The children are new, so their classmates - and more importantly, the teacher - pay attention to them.

Curricula in the elementary grades in particular are flexible enough to allow school transfer with a minimum of academic problems. High school curricula are generally more structured which might cause some transitional academic problems. However, these difficulties would also be a problem in a school holiday move. The uncertain academic drawbacks of relocation during the school year should be weighed against the social problems a school holiday move is almost certain to cause.

Reasons why we move

Bare in mind that whatever the reasons behind it, moving will represent a big change for all members of the family. Emotional fatigue and confusion can cause emotions to run high and tempers to run short. Prior preparation will enable your whole family to better handle the crises that relocation can precipitate.

Here are several ideas for making the transition as smooth as possible for your children:

• Include the children in making plans for the move. For example, take them with you, if possible, when you go looking for your new house or apartment.
• If you are moving to a distant place, help your children learn about the new area. Moving companies, the local chamber of commerce, tourist bureau's and state agencies are possible sources of information.
• By using dolls, boxes, and a wagon, children can get a feeling for the concept of moving through play-acting.
• Let the children help decide how their new rooms are to be arranged and decorated. Take the time to make a last visit to places your family is particularly fond of.
• Encourage the children to exchange addresses with their friends. If practical, give thought to allowing them to have their old friends visit them at the new home. A telephone call to an old friend is a low-cost way to relieve post-move depression.
• Prepare a package for each child containing favourite toys, clothing, and snacks. Label it with the child's name.
• Survey your new home for loose steps, low over-hangs, and other possible accident-producers. Keep your eye on the children until they become familiar with the home's characteristics.
• Take a break with the family as soon as the major unpacking is done. Don't try to do everything as soon as you arrive.
• Both parents should spend time with all children after the move, listening to what they've learned about the new school and friends.
• The first few weeks in a new school may be difficult for your children. Follow their progress closely, and if any problems arise and don't go away with time, don't hesitate to visit their teacher. Accompanying them to school the first few days may ease both their, and your mind.
• Younger children may react to the move by reverting to babyish actions. Be assuring, not scolding. They will soon relax and return to normal behaviour.
• Any abnormalities that linger - particularly, physical ones, such as loss of appetite, insomnia, constipation, menstrual disorder - should be referred to a doctor. Explain to the doctor that your family recently relocated.
• If you are moving to a radically different environment - rural to urban, or vice versa - caution your children about the new situations they will face.

Even adults find that moving can sometimes be an emotional wrench. How much more then, is it likely to be for children who don't have the maturity, independence, and understanding of a parent? You will move many valuable possessions when you change addresses, but none will be as precious as your children. Give them the attention they deserve and need.

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